Fading feelings

Hi.so lately i have always been telling about the guy that I have contacted. More than 1 month has passed but I still cant seem to forget him.  :( sad indeed. yup.maybe because I dun have much things to do. So its like I have nothing else to think about. At least, when I was schooling, I was a bit bothered by school. So I had more things to stress about and dont really have to think much about it. Cos of that, I have been finding a job and thankfully, I have found one. Tomorrow, I am going for interview. Yaay!! Hmm.. I cant afford to stay at home doing nothing. I have to distract myself. and most importantly I need money.

I shall continue lying to myself.

I keep telling myself that I am stupid and that I should not text him, delete all traces of him and cut all ties with him. But seems that I am not able to keep to my words. I keep doing what I am not supposed to do. At times, I told myself I hate him. In actual fact, I kinda miss him. It seems difficult for me to accept the fact that he is actually engaged, that he sees me as a spare tyre and that he is actually cheating on me. 

Oh God why is this happening to me? Disappointed I am. I kept telling myself that I will have to distract myself and stop thinking of him. But I think too much about him to the extent that when I sleep, he appears in my dream. Why am I such a fool? ;( Yesterday, my hands were too itchy. I have actually deleted his number but yesterday, I started to add him back into my contact list. Not just that, I texted him. I realised I missed him a lot when I texted him. I was touched he replied my message to the extent that I felt like crying. I told him I was bored and he even told me to call him. But I said its ok. We chatted for a while after which I told him I need to do my school work. I realised I am becoming like a stalker and I keep checking his last seen. My hands should just stop being so itchy. Oh....how i missed you..really...when will this feeling go away?why am I such a weak person? all this while, I thought I am strong but I am definitely wrong. I am weak and I am a slave to my desires. I give in to my own passion. I could not take control of my own feelings. 

;( 

Heartbroken girl 

Pardon me

Now, I will continue the story about the guy that I met online. So this guy has actually promised to meet me on Saturday which is actually today. But....... he cancelled the meeting. But do you know what I feel like? I feel happy!!!!For some reasons, I do. OMG. I am actually really glad he cancelled the meeting. 

He told me that if he meets me, he will want to kiss and hug me. That is not all. He wants to fondle and cuddle. So now that I do not have to meet him. OMG... Hmmm... So happy that all that won't happen to me.. Seriously, I have never even done that all my life. And is he expecting me to give in to him.???Someone else's fiance? No rite....Errrr....Okay.. So now that I am convinced he has cheated me.. Next step is to..RUNNNNNNN.. YES I NEED TO RUN AWAY FROM HIM. I feel God has written that we will not meet today. I am saved from that man. Imagine me meeting him. Not only will he get to touch me for free. I will also have to pretend having a straight face, not knowing that I am actually dating an engaged man. so now yes I definitely have to run. I am not heartbroken anymore. I am have reached the stage of healing. Finally. Now, what I will do is to study hard, Ace my exams, Be a good student, Graduate, Work and Finally get married to a man.  A real man....

 :)))))

Shit you

Its always rare that I post something online. Even in reality, I do not usually express my feelings to people. As such, even the closest of my friends and my family members never really knew my true feelings. Sometimes, I do share my thoughts but I will not tell the whole story and I will hide some stuff. From my previous post, like i have said, I am heartbroken. And for the first time, I am feeling as such. I consider myself as quite a wise person (not to self praise but yeah.. LOL!) but when it comes to relationship, I am not sure why I am the most stupid girl ever. From my older posts, I have been writing about this guy that I have met online. We started chatting with each other since 19 January ( I remember the date) and till now. The last time he contacted me was yesterday night. So what got me heartbroken was this.. Hmmm. So we have been chatting everyday, several times, and few hours each time. Recently, I feel really emotionally attached to him. I cannot deny that I am starting to fall for him. Not love but just an attraction. Yes, the word is actually attraction or is just an infatuation. I am confused myself. So like always, when we were chatting, there will be times that he will suddenly disappear and not text me as much. Worse thing, it usually happened suddenly. That is why it makes me ponder. Is there anything that I have said to him that makes him angry and just disappear. I was sure I did not.
I remembered writing about his ex. And the feeling I got that he is not over his ex for some reasons. So that day, while chatting with him, I started to dig some information about his ex. He said that he has broken up long ago. The reason was that he did not like her character and attitude. He did not want the engagement but her mom was persistent. In the end, they got engaged but then broke up. This is what he told me.
So basically, when he went quiet for a few days, I actually looked at his facebook. We are not friends on facebook and I have already deactivated my facebook. But, due to overwhelming curiosity, I decided to check it. And I did found it. I was shocked that he actually reposted his engagement status at the same time I was chatting with him. Another bigger disappointment was he set his "so called ex fiancee" picture as his profile picture. Similarly, his fiancee also set their pic together as her profile picture. Only God understands how disapointed I am at this point in time. So all this while, I have been flirting with someone else's fiance? He could have told me that he is still with her and obviously, I would have backed out FROM THE START. I am not a slut so I won't steal someone else's fiance. Why did he even cheat? I just want these answers but I could not get it. It helps if some kind souls are able to help me answer these questions. COS I AM TRULY DISAPPOINTED. I am not at all angry. JUST PLAIN DISAPPOINTED BUT I AM NOT ABLE TO CRY. HOW COULD HE CHEAT?

I HATE YOU, SERIOUSLY. AND I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER.
I HATE YOU.

Heartbroken girl

Hi people. I would like to declare today that I am heartbroken but I am not able to shed a tear. its heartbroken + disappointment.

I dreamt it is in Mexico area....search!!!!!!

the complicated guy

hey so lately i have been so busy....don't know what im busy with really. ok so yeah.i have been in contact with this guy from a chat room. we texted each other for like 1 month plus. now he has not texted me for three days. so now im going to share with you guys my chat experience with him.

our first conversations were great. i see him as a very funny person. and whatever he says i can laugh at. i especially like to see memes (if you know what that means) n he has lots of that. chatting with him always makes me smile. i remembered the first conversation. he asked me if i got bf. i said yes to see his reaction when actually i do not have. it was a random lie which was initially meant to just disturb him but this lied got carried till now n he still thinks that i have a boyfriend. so yeah..i pity him on that. anyway, to me he is like chipsmore. he can msg me for days sometimes so long (6 hours) and then will stop for a few days.. this is the thing i dont understand. what is he thinking. sometimes i will take the initiative to msg him so that it will seem that i am not always the one who is waiting for him to text me first. but sometimes i am just afraid that i might be disturbing him.

talking about our relationship...i see our relationship as more than just friends though we have never met each other. to me at least, i know i like him but this is maybe due to his personality n nothing more than that. im not sure how he feels towards me. he told me a few times that he really like me. im not sure how far he is telling the truth. he calls me names such as dear, syg, gorgeous, beautiful n such. and again im not sure how far he actually meant what he said.

aniway. till now he has been thinking that i have a boyfriend and yet he is going after me. in fact he is a very direct person. he told me that he has been trying hard to win over me. there is this time where he actually wanted my half naked pic. i was quite shocked but i said yes. im not sure what brought me into saying that but i did. however i said that i will send the next morning.. he told me sth like "make me hard with ur pic aite" i swear i was not lying when i agreed. i really thot i will send him the pic. ive never done this stupid thing but i dont know what made me say yes. so after agreeing i actually took ard 1 to 2 hours listing all the pros and cons of doing that. i dont know what the cons are. probably just one- i get to please the person i like. however, the cons are so many. i started to imagine many wild things like he sending my parents the pic if we argue. so after much thought, i actually wrote a pretty long msg on why i decided not to send him the pic. after that we stopped msging each other for like 2 weeks. i deleted his number and i have to admit i tried many numbers to get his number back. finally he came back to me telling me lots of times that he actually missed me. i was actually kinda mad with him. not merajok but i just thought that: just because i do not want to send u the half naked pic u dun wanna contact me any more. i was certain then that he only cared about one thing: sex.

aniway, after like 2 week silence, he msg me first and we began to text each other almost. everyday. he still calls me by the usual names like dear, baby, gorgeous etc.  however, i kinda notice something a bit different abt him lately. there was this time i texted him. he sounded different. not as cheery and chirpy as he was before. i popped up a random qn to ask how he is feeling. he then said he was good. i asked again, suspecting that sth was not quite right. n he finally admitted to having personal issues. n he doesnt wish to discuss it with me. at that point, i was thinking what i really meant in his life. if he likes me, wouldnt he share his problems with me? putting that aside, after that i noticed a change in him. he did not text me as much. i need to initiate the text.
actually i know his working schedule. not being a stalker but its just easy to remember. he is a fireman so he worked 24 hours and 48 hours off. there was this time i knew he was not working but he told me he was. he has not msged me for like 3 days now and im not sure if i should initiate the text cos i dun wanna disturb him. im suspecting that there is sth wrong or he is having some problems in his life or heis just hiding sth from me.
im not sure if he is contacting another girl but my gut feeling is telling me yes n im guessing he is contacting his ex. he told me once that he and his ex are like having time off. n hte status of his relationship now is kinda complicated. so im assuming he has not yet ended his relationship with his ex. as such i have the feeling if he is just using me to get over his ex, n knowing that he is not able to do that, he is now patching with her.. of course i do not want to make any judgements just randomly. my gut feelings were all built up as i talked to him. in our conversation, he will sometimes talk abt his ex. n some of the things i feel is quite inappropriate for a guy to tell a girl that he likes. for instance, he told me that his ex loves to eat his cum.??n then when he masturbates, sometimes he will think of me, sometimes his ex???hmmmmmmmm...

ok so now it has been three days. i will not intiate the texting this time. guess i just have to wait.
will update soon.