Updates on relationship problem

As of tomorrow, It will be 2 months. 2 months that I know he is actually engaged. 2 months of being heartbroken. So what has actually happened these past two months. I remembered on the 14th of July, I told him that I want to stop contacting him. He was in disbelief and asked me why I did so. I told him the truth but in an indirect way. Specifically, I told him that I have the feeling he is actually attached and just wanna use me to satisfy his lust. He was kinda reluctant but said that if that is what I want, then he is fine with that. The days after that were very difficult for me. I was not in the mood to go lectures. Worst, this is actually my graduating semester. Besides having no mood, I seriously do not understand anything that the lecturer was teaching us. Urgh... frustating really. I was heartbroken but I felt I cannot cry. Sometimes, I will check his fb, disappointed to find out him posting pictures of his fiancee. A lot of questions were lingering in my mind. Why would he wanna date me if he has a fiancee? I remembered just a few days before, he was talking about how he do not like his ex fiancee and that he was pushed into the engagement. Why then did he patch up now? From the photos on his timeline, I was guessing that his fiancee is really into him. It can be seen clearly that she loves him a lot. Anyway, I tried my very best to really stop contacting him but after a while, I lost the game. In fact, during this period, I was kinda depressed.  I kept thinking about him day and night to the extent that even when I was sleeping, I would dream about him. So, on 7 of August I actually texted him to wish him Hari Raya. Actually, I just wanna start a conversation with him. And I thought holidays will be a good time for me to do that by wishing him. Our text was just one off. I wished him and he wished me back. It ended there. I was kinda sad as I was hoping that he would continue the conversation. So, the next day, early in the morning, when I checked my phone, I was surprised to see his text. 8 of August was the date. So he texted me first saying good morning. However, the text was quite short. We were telling each other how we missed each other so much. But then, our conversation turned into an argument when he said that I accused him. More disappointing, he can still claim that he is single. I was like--- what the hell? Why are you lying about something so obvious? Do you think I am some child who is naive and stupid? He can still say--" I told you we broke up" I was damn annoyed. Why can't you just admit? I felt that our conversation was hanging so the next day, I took the opportunity to text him. 9 august was date. We texted for so long talking nonsense. I do not even know what we talked about. Just crap I guess cos we like to talk crap anyways. So our conversation was going along well until he brought up the topic again. He asked whether I was still planning to not meet him. Then, I said I wont flirt with an engaged man. He told me he respect my decision. And we argued quite a bit before the conversation ended. I was heartbroken really. After that, we stopped messaging each other for quite some time until the 18 of August, I texted him back. I was the one who initiated the conversation cos I missed him so much. We texted each other and he told me he wanna call me but then I changed the topic. At night around 11 plus, he texted me again.  I think that is because he wanna call me but luckily I was sleeping. hehe.. I do not want to hear his voice cos i do not want to argue again. Tired of arguing.

Fading feelings

Hi.so lately i have always been telling about the guy that I have contacted. More than 1 month has passed but I still cant seem to forget him.  :( sad indeed. yup.maybe because I dun have much things to do. So its like I have nothing else to think about. At least, when I was schooling, I was a bit bothered by school. So I had more things to stress about and dont really have to think much about it. Cos of that, I have been finding a job and thankfully, I have found one. Tomorrow, I am going for interview. Yaay!! Hmm.. I cant afford to stay at home doing nothing. I have to distract myself. and most importantly I need money.

I shall continue lying to myself.

I keep telling myself that I am stupid and that I should not text him, delete all traces of him and cut all ties with him. But seems that I am not able to keep to my words. I keep doing what I am not supposed to do. At times, I told myself I hate him. In actual fact, I kinda miss him. It seems difficult for me to accept the fact that he is actually engaged, that he sees me as a spare tyre and that he is actually cheating on me. 

Oh God why is this happening to me? Disappointed I am. I kept telling myself that I will have to distract myself and stop thinking of him. But I think too much about him to the extent that when I sleep, he appears in my dream. Why am I such a fool? ;( Yesterday, my hands were too itchy. I have actually deleted his number but yesterday, I started to add him back into my contact list. Not just that, I texted him. I realised I missed him a lot when I texted him. I was touched he replied my message to the extent that I felt like crying. I told him I was bored and he even told me to call him. But I said its ok. We chatted for a while after which I told him I need to do my school work. I realised I am becoming like a stalker and I keep checking his last seen. My hands should just stop being so itchy. Oh....how i missed you..really...when will this feeling go away?why am I such a weak person? all this while, I thought I am strong but I am definitely wrong. I am weak and I am a slave to my desires. I give in to my own passion. I could not take control of my own feelings. 

;( 

Heartbroken girl 

Pardon me

Now, I will continue the story about the guy that I met online. So this guy has actually promised to meet me on Saturday which is actually today. But....... he cancelled the meeting. But do you know what I feel like? I feel happy!!!!For some reasons, I do. OMG. I am actually really glad he cancelled the meeting. 

He told me that if he meets me, he will want to kiss and hug me. That is not all. He wants to fondle and cuddle. So now that I do not have to meet him. OMG... Hmmm... So happy that all that won't happen to me.. Seriously, I have never even done that all my life. And is he expecting me to give in to him.???Someone else's fiance? No rite....Errrr....Okay.. So now that I am convinced he has cheated me.. Next step is to..RUNNNNNNN.. YES I NEED TO RUN AWAY FROM HIM. I feel God has written that we will not meet today. I am saved from that man. Imagine me meeting him. Not only will he get to touch me for free. I will also have to pretend having a straight face, not knowing that I am actually dating an engaged man. so now yes I definitely have to run. I am not heartbroken anymore. I am have reached the stage of healing. Finally. Now, what I will do is to study hard, Ace my exams, Be a good student, Graduate, Work and Finally get married to a man.  A real man....

 :)))))

Shit you

Its always rare that I post something online. Even in reality, I do not usually express my feelings to people. As such, even the closest of my friends and my family members never really knew my true feelings. Sometimes, I do share my thoughts but I will not tell the whole story and I will hide some stuff. From my previous post, like i have said, I am heartbroken. And for the first time, I am feeling as such. I consider myself as quite a wise person (not to self praise but yeah.. LOL!) but when it comes to relationship, I am not sure why I am the most stupid girl ever. From my older posts, I have been writing about this guy that I have met online. We started chatting with each other since 19 January ( I remember the date) and till now. The last time he contacted me was yesterday night. So what got me heartbroken was this.. Hmmm. So we have been chatting everyday, several times, and few hours each time. Recently, I feel really emotionally attached to him. I cannot deny that I am starting to fall for him. Not love but just an attraction. Yes, the word is actually attraction or is just an infatuation. I am confused myself. So like always, when we were chatting, there will be times that he will suddenly disappear and not text me as much. Worse thing, it usually happened suddenly. That is why it makes me ponder. Is there anything that I have said to him that makes him angry and just disappear. I was sure I did not.
I remembered writing about his ex. And the feeling I got that he is not over his ex for some reasons. So that day, while chatting with him, I started to dig some information about his ex. He said that he has broken up long ago. The reason was that he did not like her character and attitude. He did not want the engagement but her mom was persistent. In the end, they got engaged but then broke up. This is what he told me.
So basically, when he went quiet for a few days, I actually looked at his facebook. We are not friends on facebook and I have already deactivated my facebook. But, due to overwhelming curiosity, I decided to check it. And I did found it. I was shocked that he actually reposted his engagement status at the same time I was chatting with him. Another bigger disappointment was he set his "so called ex fiancee" picture as his profile picture. Similarly, his fiancee also set their pic together as her profile picture. Only God understands how disapointed I am at this point in time. So all this while, I have been flirting with someone else's fiance? He could have told me that he is still with her and obviously, I would have backed out FROM THE START. I am not a slut so I won't steal someone else's fiance. Why did he even cheat? I just want these answers but I could not get it. It helps if some kind souls are able to help me answer these questions. COS I AM TRULY DISAPPOINTED. I am not at all angry. JUST PLAIN DISAPPOINTED BUT I AM NOT ABLE TO CRY. HOW COULD HE CHEAT?

I HATE YOU, SERIOUSLY. AND I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER.
I HATE YOU.

Heartbroken girl

Hi people. I would like to declare today that I am heartbroken but I am not able to shed a tear. its heartbroken + disappointment.

I dreamt it is in Mexico area....search!!!!!!