I hate to be indecisive

Indecisive girl I am.
I have left him so many times but I don't know why I am still with him. Just recently, I left him for three weeks. He made me promise not to contact him anymore but in the end, he was the one who ended up texting me back.
Sometimes, I wonder whether he can make a good husband FOR ME.
Let me share with you my HONEST thoughts about his values and attitude.
But first of all, let me tell you what kind of guy I am looking for.
I am looking for someone who can complete me. Basically, he needs to have what I am lacking. In short, he has to cover up my flaws and I will cover up his. In terms of interests, I think, he needs to at least make an attempt to show that he is somehow interested in my interests though I do not need him to be trying hard because that will seem awkward. I once got to know this guy. Just because he knows that I am from NUS, he talked about intellectual stuff with me and ask me all the chimp questions thinking that I am into discussing intellectual topics. C'mon. I have had enough discussing academic topics in school. Now you want to bring it outside? OMG.
In terms of views, I will expect him to roughly have the same views as me. It doesn't have to be exactly the same and I expect him to have a different perspective and views regarding certain issues which will encourage me to think from a different light. But then again, it can't be too different such that it cause us having a lot of conflicts, argument, misunderstandings, etc. I understand that my partner grows up in a different family setting, mix with different kinds of people and have a different love life from me so it is somehow acceptable that he should at least think a bit differently from me.

To be continued....

Inside the mind of the other woman

I have been reading posts about women writing stories directing it to the other woman. I could say that there is one standard pattern in all these posts. They put the other woman at a denigrating position, pictured her like some kind of slut/whore for stealing their man, see her as somehow desperate, low self-esteem, basically putting her in a negative spotlight.

But do you women even know what is going through in the mind of the other women?
So well, you should know what I have got to say about this as I have gone through this for around a year plus. Firstly, I would like to say that I do not like to play the blame-each-other-game. Things have happened and I would say that all three of us ( me, him, and you) are wrong in some way or the other.  I am also aware that, when a relationship fails, I shouldn't just blame one party.

Has it ever crossed your mind that sometimes, we might not even know that he is engaged/married/attached and only got to know it after sometime which is when we have fallen head over heels for them? So is it our fault then that we fall for them not knowing they are in a relationship?
Have you ever thought that as much as it hurts you, it hurts us too because we are dealing with the exact same thing and no women likes the man they love to have another woman?

Have you ever thought about how much it hurts us that, though they gossip to us about you, tell us they will leave you, but in the end they chose to stay with you? Do you know that though we listen to all those crap promises and hope that he will do it one day, deep down in our hearts and minds, we know he loves you a lot and he will never do it. We are basically hoping for something that we know have a very slim chance of happening.

Have you ever thought about how much time we sacrificed for the man you loved in the hope that we might someday be with them? Even though we have no idea whether or not he will end up with us, we stayed because we loved him and it hurts us to leave him?

Do you have any idea that the other woman has basic moral principles and values just like you? Do you know that the other woman knows what we are doing is wrong and we are basically struggling hard to get out of this situation?
 Do you have any idea that the other woman might think a lot about you, rejecting physical intimacy from your man, and not stealing much of his time though we love them a lot because we know they have you too.
Do you have any idea how hard we are struggling things on our end to make things work for all of us?

So these are basically some things that you might want to ponder. The guy that I met a year ago, is engaged. When I got to know him, I have no idea that he is still "officially" engaged, have bought a house together bla bla bla. So I have fallen for him not knowing all these things and then when I got to know about it, my world shattered. It hurts me a lot and I feel fucked up. I just left him a few days ago but it is very difficult for me. I love him a lot and I still do. I leave him for his fiancée. So that he is able to forget me and spend time with the fiancée. so that he is able to mend his relationship. Do you see how much of a sacrifice that is for me? So, always listen to the story from both sides. Thank you :)

Life of the Other Woman

If you all have read my posts, probably you would know by now that I am having a scandal with an engaged man. Basically I have known him a year plus. It is an on-off relationship. Off because I simply could not stand being the other woman & just left him without any notice. Personally, up till now, I shall say that both me and him are really unsure of each other. As you all know,  I left him for a while the other time. On 14 November. After some time, I missed him too much I could not stand it and during the day that he was supposed to attend court for a traffic offence, I started texting him back and everything went well as if there was nothing wrong with us. Now, I have been seeing him for 1 week and we meet each other quite often. It hurts a lot to stay in this relationship knowing that he belongs to someone else but it hurts me more to leave him. I have always wanted to know his feelings towards his fiancee and me. If possible, I want him to be upfront. I think it is better for me to be hurt now knowing that he loves his fiancee more than me than to keep doubting his love for me and behave like some insecure girl. The other day, I met him and we were standing near my void deck and my father actually saw us. I was terribly shocked. And now, my family thinks that I am having a relationship with him. I dont know how to explain to them if they all know that he is actually engaged. Right now, I feel like i am stuck at the crossroads. I am not allowed to date other guys because he might get hurt and jealous. At the same time, I don't know where my relationship is going with him. I guess for as long as I am able to tahan, I will do it. But one day, if I lose patience, I might end up cheating on him. Since he wants me to stay with him and not leave him, I will do it. But if I see that our relationship is not going anywhere, I might have to date other guys and at the same time be with him. Worst, I got to know that he already bought a house with his fiancee under the fiance/fiancee scheme. From what I read from the HDB website, one is not allowed to change the name and replace it with his parents or his new fiancee. Hence, if he chooses to cancel the application, he might have to pay a huge sum of money as a forfeit. Besides that, he will not be able to apply for a new house for the next one year. Will he make that kind of sacrifices and leave his fiancee for me? I am really not sure if he has the guts to do that. Laws are laws. I dont know if there is any way one might be able to help us or make him pay less if he were to replace the name with someone else's. Whatever it is, I shall not hope so much. Let's just pray for the best. I believe that whatever happens is for the best of both of us.

2 months

Still remember the date very vividly. 14 July is the date that I left him. After I saw his photos with his fiancee. 2 months later. Exactly 2 months later, I met him 14 September was the date. After 2 months of meeting him and being the other woman, I finally quit. The reason is very simple. I am sick of becoming the other woman in his life. I am not his priority. Honestly speaking, I dont even know my place in his heart. I shall try to convince myself that he is really sincere in his words. That he really treasures me in my life. But when I think about it again, probably he does mean what he said but he still puts me second. It is really unfair for me sometimes. I love him and only him but he has someone else in his heart. I feel I dont have the right to push him into doing anything like breaking up with his fiancee. Besides, who am I? Technically, we are not even in  a relationship. He has never explicitly told me that he loves me. In fact, it is very difficult for him to even say that word. He keeps using the word more than like. Makes me real confused of what he actually feels towards me. I guess I have to move on but right now, I simply can't because I am still hoping. Hoping that one day he will text me back and tell me that he wants me back. Hoping that one day he will break up with his fiancee and get back with me. Hoping that he will call off his marriage and propose me instead. But i guess that will just be hopes which will never translate into reality. I keep thinking about him. I have left him for more that a month but every single day, I kept thinking about him. Not only in the day but I have been dreaming about him almost every single night. Still remember my dreams vividly last night. I saw him. He has lost weight. He looks skinny. I kissed him. Even though its just a dream, I still feel happy. I have been praying for him everytime so that he will lead an easy life. I feel like texting him every single time but seems like, he is not interested in me anymore. Sometimes, I feel like he is trying to play me out. Because I am some young kid who does not know much about life, who does not know how to do a lot of things, who is naive.
I have sacrificed a lot for him. I crossed my limits for him. I decided to lose a thing that I valued much in my life to him even though I do not really know him. To think about it makes my heart aches a lot. But then again, I will try to stay positive because I believe that if two people are meant to be, they will eventually be. They may not be together now but if they are really fated to be together, they will meet some other time. Meanwhile, I will use my time wisely, to try and improve myself. Learn new things, improve my physical appearance etc. I am hoping that I will get a job very soon.
If it happens that he will be fined in court later, I am willing to do anything and work hard to earn money so that I will be able to help him. If he gets imprisoned, I will not hesitate to work hard and bail him so that he will get released.

To be continued..

So at the movie.. He kept kissing me and I could not concentrate on the movie. I did not even know what it was about. In the cinema, he told me that he wanted to go down on me. I was shocked as I remembered he told me, he wanted to meet just for movies and dinner. Still remember his words vividly. he wanted to omit the sexual part altogether because he felt that he had to be fair to his fiancee. I was actually relieved when he said that. But things changed when we meet. Aniwae, after the movie, he brought me to Toa Payoh area. A neighbourhood residential area. He showed me some card illusions. Then he brought me to this flat at the staircase where he started kissing me. And licked my tits. That was actually the first time someone did that to me. Nevertheless, I did not really feel anything when he licked my tits. hahaha. awkward moment. The next week, we started to meet in the hotel and oh well.. things happened but he did not break my virginity at that time as it was too tight. The third time we met again and still it did not happen because it hurts so much and he stopped. I think only the fourth time, it was successful but I got UTI after that. Ok enough of the sexual part. I would like to talk about our emotional connection. Before we met, I was actually worried that one of us might fall for each other. And I was actually  worried that I would be the one. Because he has a fiancee and loves her. So I thought that it will be impossible for him to fall for me since I believe that a man can love only one woman at a time. But as we meet each other, I think both of us began to develop emotional attachment. I tried to leave him thrice but all turned futile. The second time I left him, he texted me two days after that saying that he could not go on without me as he has developed strong feelings for me. He told me he more than like me??Sometimes, I feel that he is a coward. 

1) He is afraid to say that he loves me. He hint in very obvious ways but somehow he is afraid to say the word. I am not sure what he is afraid of actually. When he said more than like? I asked him..u mean love? and he says yeah. but I dont know why its so difficult for him to just say love. Is he just a coward or is he unsure of his feelings?

2) He seems unwilling to let go of his fiancee though he told me his intention to break up with her. 

I remember the third time I left him....

The night before, he came to my place. I sat beside him at the playground. He was looking at his phone and I glanced through it once. I saw him setting a profile picture of his fiancee. It broke my heart instantly. He blatantly told me that he does not like her. Y is he setting his fiancee's picture as his display pic? I felt heartbroken right away but I did not show him. I started to think... what am I to him? He did not want me to leave him but he did not want to leave his fiancee. why? i began to think if it is possible that a person does not like his partner but loves her. does not like but love. is that even possible? I was sad. Aniwae, after that we walked around and talked before he finally leaves.  That night, i thought about us a lot. I did not even know my place in his heart. He convinced me that he likes me, that he wants me to stay, that he treasures me but at the same time, I believe he still loves his fiancee. If not, he would have left her. If he is not willing to take risk, I feel he does not want me bad enough. Aniwae, after that I texted him that I should stop seeing him. I was confused and did not know his feelings towards me. I think things might be clearer if he is upfront about his feelings towards me and his fiancee. Even if he told me that he loves her, at least I know and will not pin down hopes. But after 2 days, he begged for me again and I gave in. We started talking to each other. I agree to give in because I feel bad and I sympathised him, not because I want to and that is why a few days later i left him again. 14 novemeber was the date. I told him that I will stop contacting him for good and that he respects my decision. I did not have his facebook but it is not private so I am able to look at it. He still keep posting loving photos of him and his fiancee so I guess he still loves her. What am I to him? FU**

continuation

Hi. In the previous post, i talked about how we met each other. It was on the 14th of sept. Just to reiterate, at the time that i agreed to meet him, i actually knew that he is engaged. I knew i was playing with fire. That is why..before i met him,i have set my mind that i will not fall for him. Instead, my plan was actually to make him fall for me instead. I remember at that time..the first time i saw him at the bus stop.in front of my uncle's block..i felt.like turning back but when i thought abt it, i would be breaking his heart. Since ive promised him that i would meet him, i tot i should go jer. My first impression of him was that he is the very abg2 type. Manakan tidak..he id 7.years older than me. Aniwaes..at that time we went to.watch the maze runner. I remembered we did.not.realy.watch it cos.he kept kissing me.to be continued.

being the other woman

In my previous posts, i talked about this guy whom i have met online. I got to know he is engaged but i still chose to meet him. I cant explain why i did all that. I am pretty sure most of you reading this post might think that i am some whore or slut who flirts with an engaged man even after knowing that he is taken to be married. Basically, 14th of sept was the day we first met ans the day i had my first kiss. To be continued.