To be continued..

So at the movie.. He kept kissing me and I could not concentrate on the movie. I did not even know what it was about. In the cinema, he told me that he wanted to go down on me. I was shocked as I remembered he told me, he wanted to meet just for movies and dinner. Still remember his words vividly. he wanted to omit the sexual part altogether because he felt that he had to be fair to his fiancee. I was actually relieved when he said that. But things changed when we meet. Aniwae, after the movie, he brought me to Toa Payoh area. A neighbourhood residential area. He showed me some card illusions. Then he brought me to this flat at the staircase where he started kissing me. And licked my tits. That was actually the first time someone did that to me. Nevertheless, I did not really feel anything when he licked my tits. hahaha. awkward moment. The next week, we started to meet in the hotel and oh well.. things happened but he did not break my virginity at that time as it was too tight. The third time we met again and still it did not happen because it hurts so much and he stopped. I think only the fourth time, it was successful but I got UTI after that. Ok enough of the sexual part. I would like to talk about our emotional connection. Before we met, I was actually worried that one of us might fall for each other. And I was actually  worried that I would be the one. Because he has a fiancee and loves her. So I thought that it will be impossible for him to fall for me since I believe that a man can love only one woman at a time. But as we meet each other, I think both of us began to develop emotional attachment. I tried to leave him thrice but all turned futile. The second time I left him, he texted me two days after that saying that he could not go on without me as he has developed strong feelings for me. He told me he more than like me??Sometimes, I feel that he is a coward. 

1) He is afraid to say that he loves me. He hint in very obvious ways but somehow he is afraid to say the word. I am not sure what he is afraid of actually. When he said more than like? I asked him..u mean love? and he says yeah. but I dont know why its so difficult for him to just say love. Is he just a coward or is he unsure of his feelings?

2) He seems unwilling to let go of his fiancee though he told me his intention to break up with her. 

I remember the third time I left him....

The night before, he came to my place. I sat beside him at the playground. He was looking at his phone and I glanced through it once. I saw him setting a profile picture of his fiancee. It broke my heart instantly. He blatantly told me that he does not like her. Y is he setting his fiancee's picture as his display pic? I felt heartbroken right away but I did not show him. I started to think... what am I to him? He did not want me to leave him but he did not want to leave his fiancee. why? i began to think if it is possible that a person does not like his partner but loves her. does not like but love. is that even possible? I was sad. Aniwae, after that we walked around and talked before he finally leaves.  That night, i thought about us a lot. I did not even know my place in his heart. He convinced me that he likes me, that he wants me to stay, that he treasures me but at the same time, I believe he still loves his fiancee. If not, he would have left her. If he is not willing to take risk, I feel he does not want me bad enough. Aniwae, after that I texted him that I should stop seeing him. I was confused and did not know his feelings towards me. I think things might be clearer if he is upfront about his feelings towards me and his fiancee. Even if he told me that he loves her, at least I know and will not pin down hopes. But after 2 days, he begged for me again and I gave in. We started talking to each other. I agree to give in because I feel bad and I sympathised him, not because I want to and that is why a few days later i left him again. 14 novemeber was the date. I told him that I will stop contacting him for good and that he respects my decision. I did not have his facebook but it is not private so I am able to look at it. He still keep posting loving photos of him and his fiancee so I guess he still loves her. What am I to him? FU**