2 months

Still remember the date very vividly. 14 July is the date that I left him. After I saw his photos with his fiancee. 2 months later. Exactly 2 months later, I met him 14 September was the date. After 2 months of meeting him and being the other woman, I finally quit. The reason is very simple. I am sick of becoming the other woman in his life. I am not his priority. Honestly speaking, I dont even know my place in his heart. I shall try to convince myself that he is really sincere in his words. That he really treasures me in my life. But when I think about it again, probably he does mean what he said but he still puts me second. It is really unfair for me sometimes. I love him and only him but he has someone else in his heart. I feel I dont have the right to push him into doing anything like breaking up with his fiancee. Besides, who am I? Technically, we are not even in  a relationship. He has never explicitly told me that he loves me. In fact, it is very difficult for him to even say that word. He keeps using the word more than like. Makes me real confused of what he actually feels towards me. I guess I have to move on but right now, I simply can't because I am still hoping. Hoping that one day he will text me back and tell me that he wants me back. Hoping that one day he will break up with his fiancee and get back with me. Hoping that he will call off his marriage and propose me instead. But i guess that will just be hopes which will never translate into reality. I keep thinking about him. I have left him for more that a month but every single day, I kept thinking about him. Not only in the day but I have been dreaming about him almost every single night. Still remember my dreams vividly last night. I saw him. He has lost weight. He looks skinny. I kissed him. Even though its just a dream, I still feel happy. I have been praying for him everytime so that he will lead an easy life. I feel like texting him every single time but seems like, he is not interested in me anymore. Sometimes, I feel like he is trying to play me out. Because I am some young kid who does not know much about life, who does not know how to do a lot of things, who is naive.
I have sacrificed a lot for him. I crossed my limits for him. I decided to lose a thing that I valued much in my life to him even though I do not really know him. To think about it makes my heart aches a lot. But then again, I will try to stay positive because I believe that if two people are meant to be, they will eventually be. They may not be together now but if they are really fated to be together, they will meet some other time. Meanwhile, I will use my time wisely, to try and improve myself. Learn new things, improve my physical appearance etc. I am hoping that I will get a job very soon.
If it happens that he will be fined in court later, I am willing to do anything and work hard to earn money so that I will be able to help him. If he gets imprisoned, I will not hesitate to work hard and bail him so that he will get released.

To be continued..

So at the movie.. He kept kissing me and I could not concentrate on the movie. I did not even know what it was about. In the cinema, he told me that he wanted to go down on me. I was shocked as I remembered he told me, he wanted to meet just for movies and dinner. Still remember his words vividly. he wanted to omit the sexual part altogether because he felt that he had to be fair to his fiancee. I was actually relieved when he said that. But things changed when we meet. Aniwae, after the movie, he brought me to Toa Payoh area. A neighbourhood residential area. He showed me some card illusions. Then he brought me to this flat at the staircase where he started kissing me. And licked my tits. That was actually the first time someone did that to me. Nevertheless, I did not really feel anything when he licked my tits. hahaha. awkward moment. The next week, we started to meet in the hotel and oh well.. things happened but he did not break my virginity at that time as it was too tight. The third time we met again and still it did not happen because it hurts so much and he stopped. I think only the fourth time, it was successful but I got UTI after that. Ok enough of the sexual part. I would like to talk about our emotional connection. Before we met, I was actually worried that one of us might fall for each other. And I was actually  worried that I would be the one. Because he has a fiancee and loves her. So I thought that it will be impossible for him to fall for me since I believe that a man can love only one woman at a time. But as we meet each other, I think both of us began to develop emotional attachment. I tried to leave him thrice but all turned futile. The second time I left him, he texted me two days after that saying that he could not go on without me as he has developed strong feelings for me. He told me he more than like me??Sometimes, I feel that he is a coward. 

1) He is afraid to say that he loves me. He hint in very obvious ways but somehow he is afraid to say the word. I am not sure what he is afraid of actually. When he said more than like? I asked him..u mean love? and he says yeah. but I dont know why its so difficult for him to just say love. Is he just a coward or is he unsure of his feelings?

2) He seems unwilling to let go of his fiancee though he told me his intention to break up with her. 

I remember the third time I left him....

The night before, he came to my place. I sat beside him at the playground. He was looking at his phone and I glanced through it once. I saw him setting a profile picture of his fiancee. It broke my heart instantly. He blatantly told me that he does not like her. Y is he setting his fiancee's picture as his display pic? I felt heartbroken right away but I did not show him. I started to think... what am I to him? He did not want me to leave him but he did not want to leave his fiancee. why? i began to think if it is possible that a person does not like his partner but loves her. does not like but love. is that even possible? I was sad. Aniwae, after that we walked around and talked before he finally leaves.  That night, i thought about us a lot. I did not even know my place in his heart. He convinced me that he likes me, that he wants me to stay, that he treasures me but at the same time, I believe he still loves his fiancee. If not, he would have left her. If he is not willing to take risk, I feel he does not want me bad enough. Aniwae, after that I texted him that I should stop seeing him. I was confused and did not know his feelings towards me. I think things might be clearer if he is upfront about his feelings towards me and his fiancee. Even if he told me that he loves her, at least I know and will not pin down hopes. But after 2 days, he begged for me again and I gave in. We started talking to each other. I agree to give in because I feel bad and I sympathised him, not because I want to and that is why a few days later i left him again. 14 novemeber was the date. I told him that I will stop contacting him for good and that he respects my decision. I did not have his facebook but it is not private so I am able to look at it. He still keep posting loving photos of him and his fiancee so I guess he still loves her. What am I to him? FU**

continuation

Hi. In the previous post, i talked about how we met each other. It was on the 14th of sept. Just to reiterate, at the time that i agreed to meet him, i actually knew that he is engaged. I knew i was playing with fire. That is why..before i met him,i have set my mind that i will not fall for him. Instead, my plan was actually to make him fall for me instead. I remember at that time..the first time i saw him at the bus stop.in front of my uncle's block..i felt.like turning back but when i thought abt it, i would be breaking his heart. Since ive promised him that i would meet him, i tot i should go jer. My first impression of him was that he is the very abg2 type. Manakan tidak..he id 7.years older than me. Aniwaes..at that time we went to.watch the maze runner. I remembered we did.not.realy.watch it cos.he kept kissing me.to be continued.

being the other woman

In my previous posts, i talked about this guy whom i have met online. I got to know he is engaged but i still chose to meet him. I cant explain why i did all that. I am pretty sure most of you reading this post might think that i am some whore or slut who flirts with an engaged man even after knowing that he is taken to be married. Basically, 14th of sept was the day we first met ans the day i had my first kiss. To be continued.

Updates on relationship problem

As of tomorrow, It will be 2 months. 2 months that I know he is actually engaged. 2 months of being heartbroken. So what has actually happened these past two months. I remembered on the 14th of July, I told him that I want to stop contacting him. He was in disbelief and asked me why I did so. I told him the truth but in an indirect way. Specifically, I told him that I have the feeling he is actually attached and just wanna use me to satisfy his lust. He was kinda reluctant but said that if that is what I want, then he is fine with that. The days after that were very difficult for me. I was not in the mood to go lectures. Worst, this is actually my graduating semester. Besides having no mood, I seriously do not understand anything that the lecturer was teaching us. Urgh... frustating really. I was heartbroken but I felt I cannot cry. Sometimes, I will check his fb, disappointed to find out him posting pictures of his fiancee. A lot of questions were lingering in my mind. Why would he wanna date me if he has a fiancee? I remembered just a few days before, he was talking about how he do not like his ex fiancee and that he was pushed into the engagement. Why then did he patch up now? From the photos on his timeline, I was guessing that his fiancee is really into him. It can be seen clearly that she loves him a lot. Anyway, I tried my very best to really stop contacting him but after a while, I lost the game. In fact, during this period, I was kinda depressed.  I kept thinking about him day and night to the extent that even when I was sleeping, I would dream about him. So, on 7 of August I actually texted him to wish him Hari Raya. Actually, I just wanna start a conversation with him. And I thought holidays will be a good time for me to do that by wishing him. Our text was just one off. I wished him and he wished me back. It ended there. I was kinda sad as I was hoping that he would continue the conversation. So, the next day, early in the morning, when I checked my phone, I was surprised to see his text. 8 of August was the date. So he texted me first saying good morning. However, the text was quite short. We were telling each other how we missed each other so much. But then, our conversation turned into an argument when he said that I accused him. More disappointing, he can still claim that he is single. I was like--- what the hell? Why are you lying about something so obvious? Do you think I am some child who is naive and stupid? He can still say--" I told you we broke up" I was damn annoyed. Why can't you just admit? I felt that our conversation was hanging so the next day, I took the opportunity to text him. 9 august was date. We texted for so long talking nonsense. I do not even know what we talked about. Just crap I guess cos we like to talk crap anyways. So our conversation was going along well until he brought up the topic again. He asked whether I was still planning to not meet him. Then, I said I wont flirt with an engaged man. He told me he respect my decision. And we argued quite a bit before the conversation ended. I was heartbroken really. After that, we stopped messaging each other for quite some time until the 18 of August, I texted him back. I was the one who initiated the conversation cos I missed him so much. We texted each other and he told me he wanna call me but then I changed the topic. At night around 11 plus, he texted me again.  I think that is because he wanna call me but luckily I was sleeping. hehe.. I do not want to hear his voice cos i do not want to argue again. Tired of arguing.

Fading feelings

Hi.so lately i have always been telling about the guy that I have contacted. More than 1 month has passed but I still cant seem to forget him.  :( sad indeed. yup.maybe because I dun have much things to do. So its like I have nothing else to think about. At least, when I was schooling, I was a bit bothered by school. So I had more things to stress about and dont really have to think much about it. Cos of that, I have been finding a job and thankfully, I have found one. Tomorrow, I am going for interview. Yaay!! Hmm.. I cant afford to stay at home doing nothing. I have to distract myself. and most importantly I need money.

I shall continue lying to myself.

I keep telling myself that I am stupid and that I should not text him, delete all traces of him and cut all ties with him. But seems that I am not able to keep to my words. I keep doing what I am not supposed to do. At times, I told myself I hate him. In actual fact, I kinda miss him. It seems difficult for me to accept the fact that he is actually engaged, that he sees me as a spare tyre and that he is actually cheating on me. 

Oh God why is this happening to me? Disappointed I am. I kept telling myself that I will have to distract myself and stop thinking of him. But I think too much about him to the extent that when I sleep, he appears in my dream. Why am I such a fool? ;( Yesterday, my hands were too itchy. I have actually deleted his number but yesterday, I started to add him back into my contact list. Not just that, I texted him. I realised I missed him a lot when I texted him. I was touched he replied my message to the extent that I felt like crying. I told him I was bored and he even told me to call him. But I said its ok. We chatted for a while after which I told him I need to do my school work. I realised I am becoming like a stalker and I keep checking his last seen. My hands should just stop being so itchy. Oh....how i missed you..really...when will this feeling go away?why am I such a weak person? all this while, I thought I am strong but I am definitely wrong. I am weak and I am a slave to my desires. I give in to my own passion. I could not take control of my own feelings. 

;( 

Heartbroken girl 

Pardon me

Now, I will continue the story about the guy that I met online. So this guy has actually promised to meet me on Saturday which is actually today. But....... he cancelled the meeting. But do you know what I feel like? I feel happy!!!!For some reasons, I do. OMG. I am actually really glad he cancelled the meeting. 

He told me that if he meets me, he will want to kiss and hug me. That is not all. He wants to fondle and cuddle. So now that I do not have to meet him. OMG... Hmmm... So happy that all that won't happen to me.. Seriously, I have never even done that all my life. And is he expecting me to give in to him.???Someone else's fiance? No rite....Errrr....Okay.. So now that I am convinced he has cheated me.. Next step is to..RUNNNNNNN.. YES I NEED TO RUN AWAY FROM HIM. I feel God has written that we will not meet today. I am saved from that man. Imagine me meeting him. Not only will he get to touch me for free. I will also have to pretend having a straight face, not knowing that I am actually dating an engaged man. so now yes I definitely have to run. I am not heartbroken anymore. I am have reached the stage of healing. Finally. Now, what I will do is to study hard, Ace my exams, Be a good student, Graduate, Work and Finally get married to a man.  A real man....

 :)))))

Shit you

Its always rare that I post something online. Even in reality, I do not usually express my feelings to people. As such, even the closest of my friends and my family members never really knew my true feelings. Sometimes, I do share my thoughts but I will not tell the whole story and I will hide some stuff. From my previous post, like i have said, I am heartbroken. And for the first time, I am feeling as such. I consider myself as quite a wise person (not to self praise but yeah.. LOL!) but when it comes to relationship, I am not sure why I am the most stupid girl ever. From my older posts, I have been writing about this guy that I have met online. We started chatting with each other since 19 January ( I remember the date) and till now. The last time he contacted me was yesterday night. So what got me heartbroken was this.. Hmmm. So we have been chatting everyday, several times, and few hours each time. Recently, I feel really emotionally attached to him. I cannot deny that I am starting to fall for him. Not love but just an attraction. Yes, the word is actually attraction or is just an infatuation. I am confused myself. So like always, when we were chatting, there will be times that he will suddenly disappear and not text me as much. Worse thing, it usually happened suddenly. That is why it makes me ponder. Is there anything that I have said to him that makes him angry and just disappear. I was sure I did not.
I remembered writing about his ex. And the feeling I got that he is not over his ex for some reasons. So that day, while chatting with him, I started to dig some information about his ex. He said that he has broken up long ago. The reason was that he did not like her character and attitude. He did not want the engagement but her mom was persistent. In the end, they got engaged but then broke up. This is what he told me.
So basically, when he went quiet for a few days, I actually looked at his facebook. We are not friends on facebook and I have already deactivated my facebook. But, due to overwhelming curiosity, I decided to check it. And I did found it. I was shocked that he actually reposted his engagement status at the same time I was chatting with him. Another bigger disappointment was he set his "so called ex fiancee" picture as his profile picture. Similarly, his fiancee also set their pic together as her profile picture. Only God understands how disapointed I am at this point in time. So all this while, I have been flirting with someone else's fiance? He could have told me that he is still with her and obviously, I would have backed out FROM THE START. I am not a slut so I won't steal someone else's fiance. Why did he even cheat? I just want these answers but I could not get it. It helps if some kind souls are able to help me answer these questions. COS I AM TRULY DISAPPOINTED. I am not at all angry. JUST PLAIN DISAPPOINTED BUT I AM NOT ABLE TO CRY. HOW COULD HE CHEAT?

I HATE YOU, SERIOUSLY. AND I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER.
I HATE YOU.

Heartbroken girl

Hi people. I would like to declare today that I am heartbroken but I am not able to shed a tear. its heartbroken + disappointment.

I dreamt it is in Mexico area....search!!!!!!

the complicated guy

hey so lately i have been so busy....don't know what im busy with really. ok so yeah.i have been in contact with this guy from a chat room. we texted each other for like 1 month plus. now he has not texted me for three days. so now im going to share with you guys my chat experience with him.

our first conversations were great. i see him as a very funny person. and whatever he says i can laugh at. i especially like to see memes (if you know what that means) n he has lots of that. chatting with him always makes me smile. i remembered the first conversation. he asked me if i got bf. i said yes to see his reaction when actually i do not have. it was a random lie which was initially meant to just disturb him but this lied got carried till now n he still thinks that i have a boyfriend. so yeah..i pity him on that. anyway, to me he is like chipsmore. he can msg me for days sometimes so long (6 hours) and then will stop for a few days.. this is the thing i dont understand. what is he thinking. sometimes i will take the initiative to msg him so that it will seem that i am not always the one who is waiting for him to text me first. but sometimes i am just afraid that i might be disturbing him.

talking about our relationship...i see our relationship as more than just friends though we have never met each other. to me at least, i know i like him but this is maybe due to his personality n nothing more than that. im not sure how he feels towards me. he told me a few times that he really like me. im not sure how far he is telling the truth. he calls me names such as dear, syg, gorgeous, beautiful n such. and again im not sure how far he actually meant what he said.

aniway. till now he has been thinking that i have a boyfriend and yet he is going after me. in fact he is a very direct person. he told me that he has been trying hard to win over me. there is this time where he actually wanted my half naked pic. i was quite shocked but i said yes. im not sure what brought me into saying that but i did. however i said that i will send the next morning.. he told me sth like "make me hard with ur pic aite" i swear i was not lying when i agreed. i really thot i will send him the pic. ive never done this stupid thing but i dont know what made me say yes. so after agreeing i actually took ard 1 to 2 hours listing all the pros and cons of doing that. i dont know what the cons are. probably just one- i get to please the person i like. however, the cons are so many. i started to imagine many wild things like he sending my parents the pic if we argue. so after much thought, i actually wrote a pretty long msg on why i decided not to send him the pic. after that we stopped msging each other for like 2 weeks. i deleted his number and i have to admit i tried many numbers to get his number back. finally he came back to me telling me lots of times that he actually missed me. i was actually kinda mad with him. not merajok but i just thought that: just because i do not want to send u the half naked pic u dun wanna contact me any more. i was certain then that he only cared about one thing: sex.

aniway, after like 2 week silence, he msg me first and we began to text each other almost. everyday. he still calls me by the usual names like dear, baby, gorgeous etc.  however, i kinda notice something a bit different abt him lately. there was this time i texted him. he sounded different. not as cheery and chirpy as he was before. i popped up a random qn to ask how he is feeling. he then said he was good. i asked again, suspecting that sth was not quite right. n he finally admitted to having personal issues. n he doesnt wish to discuss it with me. at that point, i was thinking what i really meant in his life. if he likes me, wouldnt he share his problems with me? putting that aside, after that i noticed a change in him. he did not text me as much. i need to initiate the text.
actually i know his working schedule. not being a stalker but its just easy to remember. he is a fireman so he worked 24 hours and 48 hours off. there was this time i knew he was not working but he told me he was. he has not msged me for like 3 days now and im not sure if i should initiate the text cos i dun wanna disturb him. im suspecting that there is sth wrong or he is having some problems in his life or heis just hiding sth from me.
im not sure if he is contacting another girl but my gut feeling is telling me yes n im guessing he is contacting his ex. he told me once that he and his ex are like having time off. n hte status of his relationship now is kinda complicated. so im assuming he has not yet ended his relationship with his ex. as such i have the feeling if he is just using me to get over his ex, n knowing that he is not able to do that, he is now patching with her.. of course i do not want to make any judgements just randomly. my gut feelings were all built up as i talked to him. in our conversation, he will sometimes talk abt his ex. n some of the things i feel is quite inappropriate for a guy to tell a girl that he likes. for instance, he told me that his ex loves to eat his cum.??n then when he masturbates, sometimes he will think of me, sometimes his ex???hmmmmmmmm...

ok so now it has been three days. i will not intiate the texting this time. guess i just have to wait.
will update soon.